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What would you do if someone pulled a gun on you? I don’t think any of us really know until we’re actually put into that situation. Many years ago, someone pulled a gun on me and I was surprised by how I responded. In this episode of How to Train a Happy Mind, I share that terrifying experience and reflect on how an attitude of love and compassion, at least in this one very specific instance, may have saved my life.

This episode is a recording of a talk and guided meditation I gave just a few days ago in our train a Happy Mind community, which meets every Sunday morning for live discussion and meditation. If you’d like to become part of that community, you can learn more at trainahappymind.org.

Before I play the episode, I want to offer a clear disclaimer. I am not advocating in any way that anyone respond as I did in a situation like this. In general, personal safety guidance emphasizes that if someone threatens you with a weapon, the safest response is usually to stay calm and do what they ask. 

This story describes a very specific and unusual situation, where what the person wanted would have caused even more harm. Every situation is different, and there’s no single right or safe response. Please don’t take this episode as personal advice about your own—or anyone else’s—behavior. Instead, take it as a story: one that illustrates how we train our minds toward nonviolence, compassion, and love.

Love and compassion

Scott Snibbe: In these sessions, I often get to expand on something, and now I’m expanding on a subtopic of a subtopic. We’re in the Love and Compassion series, and I decided to elaborate on what are called the Six Perfections: generosity, morality, patience, joyful effort, concentration, and insight into interdependence.

We kind of got stuck on patience, in a good way. My favorite book is called Shantideva’s A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life. It’s a guide to living your life to benefit others. It was written a thousand years ago, such a good book, and there’s an amazing story about how it was taught.

Everyone thought he was a bum. My parents liked that word; people don’t use it much anymore. But everyone thought he was the worst monk in the monastery. They invited him to give a lecture just to try to kick him out. They thought, “Let’s invite him to speak, and he’ll do so badly we’ll finally have a reason to get rid of him.” So they invited him, and his lecture turned out to be the book. It’s like the best book ever written, in a way.

I’m doing a bit of a commentary—I hesitate to call it that because I know what a good commentary is—but more like a personal reflection on a few verses from the patience chapter. It’s the most famous chapter from one of the most famous books on love and compassion.

Love and compassion are broken down into categories, these six practices of a bodhisattva, someone who lives their life to benefit others. Patience doesn’t mean exactly what we usually think it means, though that’s part of it. The deeper definition is not returning harm. It’s the antidote to anger.

What is anger?

One of the biggest triggers for anger is when someone else is angry at you. This is about how to avoid that, not by being a pushover, not by just sitting there and taking it. You don’t necessarily have to accept the situation. Sometimes you do need to act. Like if someone’s parked in front of your driveway and you can’t get your car out, you ask them to move. And there are higher levels of this, too.

One of the biggest triggers for anger is when someone else is angry at you.

The last thing I want to say—especially for those who are new—is that even just trying to antidote anger is already quite an advanced, difficult practice. Just realizing that anger is a delusion—that it doesn’t actually feel good—is already a big step. There is a truth that underlies anger. When you’re angry, it’s not for no reason, it’s usually for a really good reason. Something’s wrong. Something needs to change. But then we exaggerate.

Just realizing that anger is a delusion—that it doesn’t actually feel good—is already a big step.

The Buddhist definition of anger is that we exaggerate the negative in the person we’re angry at. We’re not usually angry at something abstract—we’re angry at a person. And in that moment, we only see the negative. If you’ve ever been angry at your partner, you can see how ridiculous this is, right? I see it when I’m angry at my wife. I only see the negative—in the person who loves me the most and has done the most for me. That’s crazy, right?

The Buddhist definition of anger is that we exaggerate the negative in the person we’re angry at.

So to recognize that anger is a delusion, it exaggerates the negative, and it wants to harm. I want to say something that hurts my wife. Like, come on, what’s going on here? It’s definitely a delusion. Recognizing that, and then trying to cultivate the opposite, that’s already hard enough.

But that’s the ground level. What we’re doing now is looking at a really advanced level. And in some ways, it’s not even that we need to practice this level directly. It’s more like a North Star. Knowing the most extraordinary level of patience actually makes it easier to practice everyday patience. You think, “Well, I can’t do that, but at least I can do this.” And it’s amazing that some people can do it. That inspires me to just do the basics, getting along with the people around me, at work and so on.

And that creates the cause for peace. I’ve seen so many people ask the Dalai Lama—I just heard it again in a couple of lectures this week—“How do you create peace in the world? How do we antidote war?” I’ve seen people ask him so many times. He says the same thing, “Resolve the conflicts in your own life.” Mic drop. That’s it.

There are other things you can do—write letters, protest—but the strongest cause is that individual work. Because the world is made up of individuals and individual relationships, and the effect of those ripples out in ways we can’t even fathom.

Where does anger come from?

So what I’ve been doing is reading the verses and then just talking about them, because they’re very deep and inspiring. Let me start with this, this is the 24th verse. I’ve just excerpted a few of them:

Without thinking, I shall be angry.
People become angry with no resistance.
And without thinking, I shall produce myself.
Likewise, anger itself is produced.

Now, this is really deep. Where does anger come from? Part of why we get really angry is because we think the other person decided to be angry, that they chose to get angry and to annoy us. It becomes all about me, right? I think one of the things that helped me get over anger the most, at first, was realizing it actually has almost nothing to do with me. I just happened to be there. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time for that person’s anger to land on.

The anger is like 99% on their side. It has to do with what I’m reminding them of, what I’m triggering in them, habits, traumas, experiences from their own life. They’re living out their own experience that’s producing anger, and it’s making them miserable. I just happen to be the object of it for a moment.

This verse—“Without thinking I shall be angry. People become angry with no resistance”—points to something profound. It seems quite easy to get angry. It doesn’t feel hard, right? For most of us, anger comes very naturally. And that touches on a very deep question: free will.

For most of us, anger comes very naturally.

Do we have free will?

I heard someone ask one of my teachers, Venerable Robina Courtin—who I really respect—I just saw her yesterday giving teachings here in Santa Cruz. Someone raised their hand at the end and asked, “Do we have free will?” And she said, “Well, let me ask you a question. The last time you got angry, could you just instantly decide, ‘I will not be angry’?”

Most of us would say no. We can’t just switch it off. It lingers. We don’t like it. It feels awful. And it’s destructive: destructive to ourselves, to our relationships.

From a Buddhist perspective, if we can’t even control our own mind in this very basic way—if we can’t stop something that makes us miserable—we don’t really have free will. Then how do things happen? Buddhism doesn’t say it’s God’s will, there’s no belief in a god like that. So where do things come from? How do things occur? Two primary sources: causes and conditions. Things come into being because of other things. I’m not talking here about mystical Buddhist karma, just basic everyday cause and effect. Things happen because of what came before.

From a Buddhist perspective, if we can’t even control our own mind in this very basic way—if we can’t stop something that makes us miserable—we don’t really have free will.

And if you look at the things that trigger you—what makes you angry—most of us here are relatively mature, we’ve lived quite a few years already. And we can see that the things that trigger us usually trace back to our childhood, or to earlier relationships. There are these formative experiences, certain things that really bother us.

For me, it’s my parents. They weren’t necessarily the nurturing, caring container all the time. I was sort of set off on my own a lot. They wanted us to be independent. They were trying to be helpful, they thought, “We want to raise independent kids who can take care of themselves.” Job well done, right?

But at the same time, I didn’t feel cared for or nurtured a lot of the time. I left home really early. I had a lot of responsibility when I was young, and it felt overwhelming. So now, when someone seems distant or uncaring—or a little bit emotionally remote—I kind of freak out. It reminds me of those childhood experiences. I seek out nurturing, caring people I can trust, people who express that care in words: “I love you, I’ll take care of you.” That’s what I gravitate toward. And when I don’t get that, I can get angry. It triggers those old feelings of not feeling safe or nurtured.

We’re all like that. And I think if each of us looks closely, this is where Western psychology really helps. If we look at our childhood, we can often find the roots of our triggers. It’s great to understand why you get angry. But knowing why doesn’t necessarily help you antidote it. That’s actually where Western psychology often falls short, sorry, psychologists! What you also need is a method to work with it. Some of those methods are somatic now, and they’re becoming really popular.

One thing that controls our behavior is cause and effect: all the experiences, training, family, work, and relationships that create habits and triggers in our minds. Why do things happen? Number one, and maybe the biggest one: cause and effect. The second is delusions. When you distill it down, what is it that drives us? There are ways to generalize these emotional experiences. In the Buddhist framework, the main delusions are anger—often called “aversion” because it also includes fear and worry—attachment, and ignorance, which is essentially self-centeredness.

So from the Buddhist psychological model, these two things—conditioning (cause and effect) and delusions—are what drive most of our behavior. Now, that might sound a little disappointing, to hear that we don’t have much free will. So then how do we control ourselves?

What I’ve learned from Buddhism, and from my own experience, is that there is a kind of constructive free will: the ability to do good things for ourselves and for others. It seems to exist, but it happens before the fact. In quiet moments, like right now—when we’re safe, when we’re contained—this is one of those moments. I like to say we’re in “growth.” There’s this idea that there are three mental states: comfort, growth, and panic. A lot of people—and a lot of the world right now—are in panic much of the time.

In this community, I try to keep us in growth. There’s also calm—when you’re cooking, at home, watching Netflix—when you feel safe. But here, we’re aiming for growth: enough safety to open the mind and think about how to change, how to steer ourselves in a better direction. That’s where this kind of constructive free will comes in. Buddhism teaches, and I’ve experienced, that it exists before the moment of reactivity. Like right now, we’re thinking about it, we’re in a safe container. It’s like a laboratory for our minds.

Buddhism teaches that free will exists before the moment of reactivity.

Especially in meditation, you can rehearse difficult experiences and rehearse constructive ways of responding. Buddhism teaches that you plant the seeds for a better future in moments like this: in meditation, in quiet reflection, even in conversation like this. And then, suddenly, you find yourself behaving in a way you’re really proud of, something genuinely constructive. Someone gets angry at you at work, and you say, “I can see you’re really angry,” instead of reacting.

I’ve had that experience, I remember it happening a few years ago. And I was almost surprised at my own behavior. It didn’t feel like I did it deliberately in that moment; it just came out of me. But I’d rehearsed it, just like we’re rehearsing now. Over time, that became a growing pattern. Then when the real moment came, I had the resources in my mind to respond more skillfully. To be curious. And we’ve talked about this—curiosity is, in some ways, the opposite of anger. Not just patience, but curiosity. It’s a different kind of patience.

In Buddhism, they say: If you want to know your past, look to your present condition. So if you’re a patient, generous person now, that’s evidence of past causes—of having practiced kindness and generosity before. And if you find yourself quite angry and reactive, well, you were likely in situations that cultivated that. Often it comes from the outside—family, friends, colleagues, work—these environments shaped your reactivity.

If you want to know your past, look to your present condition.

Now, we can’t do much about the past. But they also say: If you want to know your future, look to your current behavior. So we’re creating that future now. We can feel really good about this hour we’ve spent together—because this is creating the seeds for a constructive, beneficial future. Constructive ways of responding.

That’s neuroplasticity. That’s why I repeat myself—repeat statements, repeat meditations, repeat stories—because they need to get grounded into your mind. We are responsible for our actions, but it’s an illusion to think we can control ourselves in the heat of the moment. That’s where we often go wrong, and where Hollywood gets it all wrong too. Hollywood always says, “It’s about the choices you make.” Almost every movie is about that. But not really.

We are responsible for our actions, but it’s an illusion to think we can control ourselves in the heat of the moment.

It’s actually about how you condition your mind, so that when the moment comes, you spontaneously make the right choice. It’s a subtle difference, but a big one. Think about it, you can’t just pick up a guitar and play like Eddie Vedder because you want to. You need the right conditions. You need a teacher, practice, time, discipline. If you want to run a four-minute mile, you need certain conditions: youth, a specific body type, training. Many of those are out of your control.

If you want to write a novel, you don’t just sit down and write it because you wish it. You need to read other novels, study writing, and have the free time and financial stability to focus on it. Many conditions need to come together, to compose a great song, to get a PhD, to do anything deeply meaningful. You have to create the conditions.

The ultimate causes of our behavior

Okay, the next verse:

These conditions that assemble together
Have no intention to produce anything,
And neither does their product
Have the intention to be produced.

This is really wild. How the heck does reality work? Because if people get angry without wanting to be angry, what’s going on? What exactly makes us angry? It’s such an unpleasant situation to be in. Why the heck do we get angry?

We say it’s causes and conditions, but those conditions themselves don’t have any motivation. That’s the wild part. The causes and conditions that make us angry don’t intend to make us angry. There’s no malice in them. There’s no will behind them. The buck doesn’t stop there.

And the product—the anger—also doesn’t have the intention to be produced. So where the heck do things come from? This gets really deep and mysterious. It’s wonderful to reflect on, because it points us toward emptiness, toward dependent origination. There’s a more poetic quote I love that says the same thing:

Nothing to do or undo.
Nothing to force,
Nothing to want and nothing missing.
Emaho! Marvelous.
Everything happens by itself.

It’s that last line, Everything happens by itself, that I think about all the time. So why do things happen? Yes, causes and conditions, but there isn’t really an actor. That’s the deep part. It’s very profound. And you don’t have to believe it. In fact, you might not want to believe it. But the point is to ask the question: How do things happen? Especially when it comes to anger, how do people get angry? How do we get angry?

And the answer is: it happens. It happens by itself. Now, that’s not exactly true, it’s a distillation of wisdom. But the next verse, which is number 31, expands on this idea.

Hence, everything is governed by other factors,
Which in turn are governed by others.
And in this way, nothing governs itself.
Having understood this, I should not become angry
With phenomena, which are like apparitions.

This is getting more and more subtle, right? We search and we search for the ultimate causes of our behavior. At the beginning of this talk, I was saying, look at Western psychology. Look into your life and see the causes of your anger. For example, my dad, he had a dad who beat him. What kind of trauma does that create? It’s a nightmare.

So, yes, look at that. But don’t stop there. This is where Western psychology can fall short. You stop at your dad and think, “It’s his fault.” But it’s not. There were other factors governing his behavior. Look at my father’s father, he had a father who was never around, and a mother who was mentally ill and suicidal. They handed him off to a nanny. He was raised by a Black nanny, and she was the only person who really loved him. So he turned away from his family and had very positive feelings toward Black people. He became a civil rights activist, a very early one. He was also a communist.

That was the good side of my grandpa’s behavior. But the bad side is that he acted out his own feelings of abandonment. He beat his kids. He became an alcoholic. Everything is governed by other factors. So don’t stop with your parents, it’s not just your parents’ fault. It goes back and back. Generations. Ten thousand generations, maybe more, stretching back 200,000 or 300,000 years.

Nothing governs itself. We search and search for the ultimate cause of our behavior—and others’ behavior—but when you really look, it’s an infinite regress. If you ever feel like you’ve found the ultimate cause, keep looking. Because you’re probably wrong. Maybe not, but that’s for you to decide. So in that quote, it says, “Phenomena are like apparitions.” What does that mean? The most important word there is like. That might sound funny, but it’s crucial.

We search and search for the ultimate cause of our behavior—and others’ behavior—but when you really look, it’s an infinite regress. If you ever feel like you’ve found the ultimate cause, keep looking.

Because you can make a mistake and think they are apparitions, as in, they’re not real. But that’s not what it’s saying. Our feelings, reactions, experiences, they aren’t actually ghosts or illusions. They’re like illusions. There’s something there. But it’s so subtle, so insubstantial, so interconnected with everything else that’s ever happened in the universe. That’s emptiness. That’s dependent origination, how things truly exist. And these topics, they bleed into each other. We’re talking about patience, but now we’re talking about emptiness, because it’s all connected.

Here’s the last part I want to share today. Verse 33:

So when one sees an enemy, or even a friend, committing an improper action,
By thinking that such things arise from conditions,
I shall remain in a happy frame of mind.

That’s the purpose of those last four verses. I’m grouping them intentionally, because you want to hear them together. And this is the most important one: There’s no need to get angry. There’s no need to get angry, because everything arises from causes and conditions.

What would you do if someone pulled a gun on you?

I wanted to tell a story, because it’s easy to get abstract about this stuff. I’ve almost never told this story, but I’ve started sharing it recently because the person it happened with has passed away. I’m also an artist, and I had an art studio in this big building where there was a security guard I became friends with. He was a Vietnam vet, deeply traumatized. The things he went through were so awful. And the things he did were awful too.

He told me stories, like the Mỹ Lai Massacre in Vietnam. That didn’t just happen once. He said, “I was sitting there in front of a bunch of Vietnamese villagers—children, women—and over the radio they told me, ‘Kill them all.’” And he did it. Of course, it’s terrible for the people who were killed and their families. But it was terrible for him too. He was traumatized for life. I’m only sharing this to help explain cause and effect.

One night, I was working late in my studio. I came downstairs to the gated parking area, my car was the only one there. This guy, the vet—he lived in a trailer nearby—he came out wearing his military jacket. I could tell right away two things: he was on something—drugs or alcohol—and he had a gun. I could see it under his jacket. He walked up to me and said, “I really feel like I need to kill somebody tonight.”

He walked up to me and said, “I really feel like I need to kill somebody tonight.”

I’m standing there, alone with him, and I’m thinking, “There’s nobody else here. It’s just me.” And I didn’t make a decision in that moment, but somehow, my body and mind responded. I didn’t fight. I didn’t run. I stepped toward him and gave him a big hug. I said, “Curtis”—that was his name—“Curtis, can you open up that gate for me? I need to go home.”

I didn’t fight. I didn’t run. I stepped toward him and gave him a big hug.

When I hugged him, I felt the gun between us, it was a Glock, a nine-millimeter. But he nodded, walked over, and opened the gate. I got in my car and drove out, peeling out, pretty freaked out. I called my girlfriend at the time—now my wife—and told her what happened. There’s a lot to unpack in that story. And I’m not saying this is what anyone else should do. I don’t think this is universally applicable wisdom. It was a very specific situation that happened to work out for me.

But I will say this, these verses saved my life. Because I think if I had run, he would’ve shot me. If I had fought, he definitely would’ve shot me. He was military trained, and that training, that trauma, it all came flooding back in moments like that. We’re seeing this happen now, situations where people trained for combat are placed in high-stress environments and end up responding like it’s a combat situation. And atrocities happen.

So again, I’m not saying activists or anyone else should do what I did. But in my own experience, what saved my life was that, in that moment, I had a spontaneous, compassionate response, not a violent one, not a fearful one.

And again, I’m not saying you should do this. I’m not saying anyone should. I’m just sharing this one unique experience from my life that helped me. Hopefully, you’ll never face anything like that. Hopefully it’s just getting mad at your partner, or your boss yelling at you, something like that. I wanted to tell a real story, because it’s easy to get abstract with these ideas.

Guided meditation on patience

So settle yourself into meditation posture. Especially straighten your spine, that’s the most important part. Relax your face, tilt your head slightly downward, and gently close your eyes.

Set a motivation. Without judgment or negativity toward yourself, commit to gently working on those reactivities, those responses that aren’t helpful. Especially anger. If that’s something you struggle with, make a wish to become more patient, to find a wiser way to respond to situations that might normally make you angry, without denying the truth that something may still need to change.

But aim to move beyond the delusion, the exaggeration of the negative in others, the impulse to harm.

May I become patient.
May I become wise.
May I become loving and kind.
May I learn to shift my own mind—and in doing so, help shift the world.
And the way to do that is gently—not with anger, but with love, compassion, and wisdom.

Now think of someone you know who embodies patience and effectiveness. Of course, I think of the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Martin Luther King Jr.—who we just celebrated—Gandhi. And also people in your own life. Often the most compassionate people we know are nurses, doctors, mothers, social workers, activists.

One of my dad’s friends is very wealthy, and he spends his money and time taking care of kids living on the streets, kids dealing with addiction or teenage pregnancy. It’s beautiful. There are so many people like that in the world. And each of us knows at least one.

Think of them, those who have made the decision, day by day, moment by moment, to cultivate beneficial emotions and let go of destructive ones. Who nourish themselves with meditation, exercise, yoga, whatever helps steer them toward their best selves. And they do it without judging themselves for not being perfect, because none of us are.

Stabilize the mind

Now bring your mind to your breath. Let’s focus on the breath for just one minute to stabilize the mind.

We mostly do analytical meditation, but a moment of stabilizing meditation is important too.
Just focus on your breath for one minute, gently bringing your attention back when it strays.

And remember: your breath is your life.
That awareness can help keep your focus when your attention drifts.
For one minute: my breath is my life.

Now take a look at your mind and your body after one minute of imperfect meditation. Wow. That had an effect, even if you got distracted a few times. It’s good to remember: we can always meditate for just a minute. We all have one extra minute. Maybe instead of two hours on social media, take one minute for this—every day, or whenever you need it.

Meditating on patience

Now we move into the meditation on patience.

Think about the last time you got angry, or a time you can clearly remember. And ask yourself: In that moment, did I have the power—the freedom—to say, “I don’t want to be angry,” and just stop? Was that possible? And did I do that?

In general, no. Right? So then, why did I get angry?

At first, you might say: because of somebody else. Because of something I saw on the news. Because of what someone said to me. Because someone didn’t do what they promised. But is that really why?

Other people experience the same or worse, and don’t get angry. So it’s not universal. It’s me. So what makes me that way? What happened in my life to make those particular situations feel so vexing? I like that word: vexing.

It usually has something to do with your childhood, or past relationships. Times you didn’t feel loved or supported. Times you were hurt, and had no power. Now, when people do things that remind you of those situations, it becomes a trigger.

So it’s causes and conditions that make me get angry. And then these delusions—like anger—ripen. To recognize that anger is a delusion: it exaggerates the negative and wants to harm. That’s not a healthy state of mind. It’s not a state of mind we want to be in.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t things we want to change, in ourselves, in the world. But the deluded aspect of anger is totally unhelpful. It’s harmful. And yet, we do have control, in a quiet moment, like this one. In some ways, maybe this is the only place we have control: right now. When it’s safe, when it’s calm, when we’re in a growth mindset.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t things we want to change, in ourselves, in the world. But the deluded aspect of anger is totally unhelpful.

This is the moment to plant the seed for a different way of responding. How could I have responded in that moment of anger in a way that would’ve been beneficial, to me, to that person, to the situation? One way is just to say you’re angry.

I actually saw this with my daughter this weekend. She was feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed. And yesterday, while we were in the car, she just said it: “I’m feeling so frustrated and annoyed right now.”

I was so proud of her. Honestly, it’s hard for me to do that. But she didn’t lash out, she just named the feeling. That’s such a great response. Just to name the feeling, not act it out. It made me feel so compassionate. I said, “What can I do to help you? Let’s take a break. Why don’t you read for a while, I’ll just hang out.” That’s a powerful move, to name it.

Or, to be curious. Put yourself back in that situation and imagine: “I can tell you’re really angry right now. I’m so sorry. What’s going on for you?” Don’t take it personally. See it as their delusion, their experience.

It’s hard. But ask: How can I de-escalate this? Just say, “Hey, what’s going on for you right now? I can tell you’re angry.” I’ve done it, and when I’ve done it, it works. People want to be heard. Even if they blame you, just keep listening. Keep asking. Eventually, it starts to exhaust itself.

People need to be heard. Even though it’s hard, especially when they’re blaming you for something that might not be your fault—if you can be the better person, be the patient one, you can often defuse it.

So what we’re doing now is rehearsing. We’re imagining what it would be like to behave that way. And this is how we create the cause to do it in the future. Yes, we are responsible for our actions. But it’s an illusion to think we can control them in the heat of the moment. Right now, this is the special moment. Maybe the only moment when we have free will, when we have control.

Right now, this is the special moment. Maybe the only moment when we have free will, when we have control.

Let’s savor that. Let’s take advantage of it. Let’s create the cause. Next time I get angry, may I respond with curiosity. With reflection. With connection.

And remember, these causes and conditions all come from somewhere. That person’s parents had parents. That person’s boss had a boss. Our parents had parents. Our bosses had bosses. It goes back 300,000 years. All of humanity.

Nothing to do or undo. Nothing to force. Nothing to want. Nothing missing. Everything happens by itself.

It’s wild. It’s really wild how things happen. Everything is governed by other factors.

Why get angry, if everything has a cause, and those causes have causes, and those have more causes? Why get angry? We search for the ultimate cause of our behavior, but there’s nothing solid there. It just goes back forever. Things are like illusions, but they’re not illusions. Everything depends on something else. That’s how things truly exist.

Why get angry, if everything has a cause, and those causes have causes, and those have more causes?

So if you see an enemy—or even a friend—committing some kind of harm, remember: these actions arise from conditions. And I will not get angry. Is it really possible to remain in a happy frame of mind, like Shantideva says? Why would I be happy when someone is angry at me? Well, this is the advanced practice. Because it gives me a chance to practice patience.

I want to be patient. I want to be curious. I want to be kind and connected. And the only way to grow that muscle is if people try my patience, if they say rude things, if they don’t give me what I want. That’s my chance to practice patience. Thank you, person.

It’s an extraordinary attitude. But I need them. I need the people who try my patience. Even the worst actors in the world. Because they remind me, I haven’t perfected patience.

I need the people who try my patience.

And they give me the laboratory. Just like someone training to run a four-minute mile, you have to practice, practice, practice. Train your body, train your mind. It’s a very advanced practice. But it’s worth at least admiring those who have done it, and respecting it. Just to respect it.

And so, by doing this meditation, may these ways of responding begin to ripen in my daily life, with my partner, with my colleagues, with the news. Especially the news. I think, for many of us, that’s one of the biggest sources of anger these days, no matter where you are on the political spectrum.

May I begin to see these frustrating situations as a laboratory, a place to perfect patience. To strengthen my patience, my compassion, my love, my curiosity. My ability to connect, with others and with myself. And to appreciate causes and conditions.

Because if you knew the full story behind anyone’s life, their actions would make perfect sense. Even the worst actors in the world. For some of them, we do know their story. But even when we don’t, we can imagine, how they were treated by their parents, by their peers, by the systems they were in.

Think of the military, for example, how people were trained to obey, to respond with instinctive violence. You start to see how things happen. And it’s sad. You become more sad—and more compassionate—than angry. Because you see: it was almost inevitable, the way people acted.

And the only way I know out of it is what we’re doing right now. I don’t know another solution, other than training our minds toward wisdom, patience, and compassion.

So we aspire to do that, to bring out our best qualities, and the best in others.

And we can come out of the meditation.

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